Capri...we didn't see Mariah Carey but...

1)We left Rome to visit Capri and had to leave from the port of Naples where we met our tour guide Gianni. Gianni met us clad in purple pants and with his phone number on stickers that he placed on the girls boobs, he had to make sure they were on nice and tight. As we boarded the ferry almost all of the seats were taken or covered with stuff. Most of the students picked up on the international language of signs, eyebrow raising, and pointing to empty seats to see if they could sit there, but(and isn’t there ALWAYS a but) one of the bitchy, lazy parents(the 15 minute/no cheese lady), SCREAMED across the ferry to Karen, “Can you find Paola so that she can ask these people if these seats are taken.” I mean the dumb bitch is half way across the world and couldn’t muster any means of figuring this out for herself. Karen told her to ask if the seats were occupied, and in a fit of rage and disappointment in humanity Harvey stomped off downstairs for a moment of Zen away from the f-tards.

2) Once on Capri, we were off to the Blue Grotto, a sea cave that is illuminated by mineral deposits. We traveled out in the sea on a large boat, and had to transfer to little three or four person boats to get into the Grotto. Once in these boats you had to lie down to get into the cave, or you would face plant into the walls. The boat rowers, who Harvey thinks are the equivalent of poor white trash, told everyone to lie down in Clare’s boat and he to had to lie down as well. He leans back into the breasts of one of parents and swishes his head around in that special area and says “Mmmmmmm…squishy!” Meanwhile in Harvey and Karen’s boat, Harvey is being cursed slam out for not tipping him enough, Clare was asked to skinny dip, and Brent had a special experience of his own…see awards below.

FYI— BIMBI is the thickest, greasiest, and most viscous sunscreen of all time. Karen purchased this important item in Rome knowing she needed some more protection from the sun. This is what you need to know in order to appreciate #3.

3) Bimbi has done a miracolus job keeping Karen cancer free, but it has also ellicted a few funny converstation.s Here is the dialogue exchange in preparation for Capri…

Clare: I hope we go swimming because I need maximum skin to water contact.

Karen: Well, I need maximum skin to Bimbi contact.

4) Harvey stays at the top of Capri to explore. While Clare, Brent, and Karen go down to the shore to swim with the kids. When Harvey returns from a relaxing afternoon of shopping, granitas, and shade he walks into a shit storm of Capritian proportions. There were three children bleeding from beach rock incidents, Brent and a student rescued a small child, Brent’s towel was sacrificed to become a tourniquet for one of the rock incidents, girls were losing their tops because they have no idea how big there breasts are, super mom left all of the kids stuff(passports included) alone on the beach, and Brent’s sunglasses were ruined when one of these kids stomped them like no tomorrow.
5) We ferry off to the town of Sorrento for the evening and pile into one small bus. No one can see anything out of the window, but being the great tour guide that she is Paola perseveres and tells us a little about the town, pointing out a couple of things. She points out a pedestrian road and 15 minute cheese woman screams at the top of her lungs and in Harvey’s ear “WHAT ARE YOU SEEING, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, WHAT AM I MISSING?” Good grief, we were seeing a foot path something we know she isn’t interested in because you have to walk it.
6) We arrive at a gorgeous hotel which doubles as a skilled nursing facility for the geriatric crowd(there were stewed prunes for breakfast). The rooms were awesome and Harvey acted like a kid in heaven because the rooms in Rome were prison cells at best. Dinner was great even though two students, tweedle dee and tweedle dumb fuck, wore their PAJAMAS to dinner. After dinner we wondered around the seaside town of Sorrento enjoying giant beers that were bigger than a Big Gulp and lethal lemoncello.

Awards for the day…

Wii Fit Award—Rocky Beach on Capri
Italian Stereotype—Gianni for being Gianni
Most likely to be smothered by a male rowers tits—Brent
Most likely to only tip 20 cents—Harvey
Delphi heat index—little bus crammed with 45 people and a driver
Internal Heat Regulation—Swimming in the Mediterranean